I've been trying pretty desperately to get back on a regular sleep schedule but it just isn't working and I'm really upset. I'm up all night and I nap a little during the day and somehow I still can't sleep at night. The other day I was up until ten PM, slept until two AM and then I couldn't get back to sleep. This after staying up all day was very frustrating. I don't know what to do. I can't take anything to sleep through the night because I have to pump at least every three or four hours and I really, really need to get back on track. I don't know. I'm irritated.

Ugh, the last two days I've had some issues with clogged milk ducts. Always the same one and it takes a while to get them unclogged. I'm not even sure they are completely unclogged because right around pump time they get hard and painful. I've been applying hot washcloths and the heating pad but I don't think there's been a lot of improvement. If it keeps up I'm going to have to see a doctor and I'm just not up for it right now. Maybe never.

Okay, call me selfish, but I just don't think there's anything worse than almost amazing sex. In fact, I think no sex is better than almost amazing sex and I'm willing to bet that I'll stand by that belief until I die. The last few times Derek and I have had sex I get right on the edge of an orgasm and then for whatever reason we have to stop. Like the baby needs to eat or somehow Derek hurts himself. I probably shouldn't be upset about this, but I really am. He gets to have his damned orgasms and I get left with a great view of all the pleasure I could be having, but don't get. I sound like a selfish bitch. You would too if you'd only had one orgasm in more than three months, I gaurantee it.

I've been having a really hard time with this whole mommy thing. It's just . . . I dunno. I love Jude with all my heart but I also kind of resent him. Well, not him, but our situation. I can't return to the school I like because I have a son with medical issues that leave me wanting to keep him home and out of daycare. I never have time to see friends, let alone get out of the house as often as I'd like to. He isn't breastfeeding so I have to pump every three hourse, which really cuts into my overall family time. His reflux is just getting worse and worse and that upsets me because I can't fix it. I finally realized that the depression I'd slipped into before Jude was born was me not wanting a baby any more. It's hard to stay excited when you're in and out of the hospital in excuciating pain and worried that you're going to have a stroke. I guess those feelings kind of transferred over to parenting because I don't really spend as much time with Jude as I should. I finally told Derek about it though and he says it's okay to be upset and he understands why I feel that way. Nothing about this baby has been easy and it turned me off to the whole idea. Still, I catch mayself watching Jude and smiling like my mother used to smile at me when she told me she loved me and I know I love Jude more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life. I constantly think about what kind of person he's going to be like and how we're going to take him to the park and when he'll take his first steps. I'm always waiting to see what he'll do next to impress me and make me love him more. Lately, I've been trying to play with him and feed him as much as possible. I'm getting better and feeling better about being a parent. :] I can make Jude stop crying when Derek can't and that makes me feel all the more better.

Later today Jude has his swallow study and I'm not going to lie, I'm a little scared. I don't want to find out that his reflux is really bad. We've tried so many medicines, I really just want him to get better and grow out of this but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen soon. Such is life, I suppose.

For the first time since April I actually got to hang out with people my own age. I didn't realize how desperately people-sick I was until after they were gone and I felt miserable and lonely. Here I thought I was doing okay and I wouldn't mind being a little isolated and now I'm suffering from . . . what . . . withdrawals? It was good to see Kristin again and interesting to spend time with Nick, they really seem to be quite enamoured with eachother and that makes me confident that they'll be good parents. It's odd but I have this weird surety that they're going to have a son. Maybe, maybe not, only time will tell.

More and more often I find myself saying "I miss Katrina" and it's getting to be that I say it for absolutely no reason at all. I guess it's just another sign of how people-sick I am. Or maybe I'm realizing that if I don't attend WSHS I won't get to see her as often. Really, I'm scared that our friendship won't survive the small distance, and it hurts to think that because she is absolutely the best friend I've ever had. Time to make more of an effort to see her if I don't want to lose her-and I really, really don't want to lose her.

Oh, yeah! I went in yesterday to have my IUD checked and it's nice and in place. The strings were trimmed up so that I could feel them with my fingers but now without. To be more blunt, the strings aren't stabbing my no-no places. The doctor explained how the IUD works and why it's able to cause you to have shorter lighter periods. I was a little worried that it affected fertility, but luckily it doesn't.

Today I have to withdraw from WSHS, I'm a little depressed and at some point I'll probably cry. It's hard to give up something you love, even though you know you have no other choice, even though it's for your child. Maybe we'll move back into Aurora and I can go back at some point. It's really best not to think about it, I guess.