A Desperately Needed Update

As You can see, it's been seven-count them-seven months since I last posted...and I think it's time for a desperately needed update.

Well, here's the skinny.

A little over two weeks ago I had surgery to have my gallbladder removed. Apparently I had a nasty little gallstone and the word on those puppies is that they USUALLY just keep coming back if you get rid of the stone. So, bye-bye gallbladder, I wasn't interested in it's lousy stones. Unfortunately, the quick recovery I was supposed to have...I didn't have. My surgeon said that recovery would probably be a 3 to 10 day thing, most likely closer to 3 because I'm young and SUPPOSED to recover fast. I'm just not that lucky I guess. It's been 12 days and I'm still having some little issues. Can't bend, can't eat fatty foods without getting sick (which is to be expected, but still sucks), get nauseous after eating or drinking almost anything, and the glue around all 4 of my incision...yeah. Not coming off. And itching like the biggest pest on the planet. Luckily, I'm finally feeling better then I had been, and I haven't needed to go to the ER or anything. YAY!

Jude, my handsome little trooper, is a bit of a brat. Despite the fact that we have tried everything--and I do mean EVERYTHING--to get him to eat solids...he refuses. It's not that he doesn't like the taste, because when he DOES eat the baby food he ENJOYS it. He's just a stubborn little stinker. He's almost started walking, which is simply amazing. It was shocking when he rolled over, and I nearly died when he started to crawl (a little late, but better late than never). But walking?! Can you believe that he's going to WALK?! Even more astounding is the fact that he'll be ONE WHOLE YEAR old in less than two months. My little man is growing so fast I just don't know what to do with him.

You may remember (or you may read at some point) from one of my last posts that I was getting an IUD. Well, I got that IUD and I had it for about three months before something dreadful happened. I started getting ovarian cysts. Now, if you've ever had ovarian cysts you know that they are particularly painful and can really interfere with your every day life. If you've gotten them while using the Mirena IUD, you may also know that only 10% of women get cysts while using it. Lucky me, I was in that 10%. My doctor convinced me that if I waited a few months the cysts would go away on their own. It didn't seem like such a terrible request at first, but after three or four more months I'd had enough. It was time for that dreadful thing to come out of my womb, and for something new to be used to prevent a baby from making my vacant womb its home. I decided that the Implanon was to be my next form of birthcontrol, and I didn't psyche myself out by looking up implantation stories like I had with the Mirena. Having the Implanon shoved into my arm via a big needle actually wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be, in fact, the worst part was when my OBGYN numbed my arm. Lidocaine stings at first folks, it's kind of silly, but it's true. The little plastic rod was inserted and I walked out of that office feeling right as rain...well, a little nauseous from the nerves--but other than that, right as rain! I sported a great big purple, black and green bruise for a few days that was quite tender and then TADA! Totally fine. And the best part: not having to reach up my vajayjay to check those pesky strings.

Recently I decided that, despite my desperate want for a high school diploma, a GED would have to suffice. Frankly, I'm supposed to graduate this year and I don't have an infinite amount of time to sit in high school waiting for my opportunity to graduate. No sir, it's going to be time for college in the fall, which means I need to get my GED and start applying for scholarships. My financial situation and the fact that I'm a young mom guarantees me some pretty great scholarships, and I'll need them. My current career hope is neonatal nursing, and medical school is difficult no matter what medical profession you choose. My main reason for making this decision is that I have a family to support and I can't do that with some crummy part-time job at McDonald's (which I don't even have, no one will hire me for some reason).

My three year anniversary (one year engagement anniversary) was in November. It wasn't very exciting and I was very disappointed when I realised the following day that I hadn't even kissed Derek. Things have been a little rocky for us, but they seem to be getting back on track. We don't seem to be fighting as often as we had been, but our sex life has yet to improve. I'm pretty sure it's been over a month since we last did the nasty, and the weird thing is: I don't even really want to have sex. I know, how terrible. I'm not sure if I'm simply content with our relationship now, there are still issues that haven't been resoloved or I just haven't had sex in SO long that I don't care...but well. I just don't care. Weird.

Derek, Jude and I are still living in my mother's house. We'll move the INSTANT we have the money to, but for now we're kind of stuck. Derek hasn't had any luck finding work and mom is hell-bent on me staying at home with Jude (though that doesn't stop me from applying for jobs). It's gotten to be almost unbearable living with my mother, who is convinced that she is the greatest parent in the world (which she is not) and that I should listen to and act upon every little bit of advice that she shoves down my throat. She honestly kicked us out a month ago and when we were packed and prepared to leave she started to cry and begged us to stay. You may want to know why she kicked us out...well, let me tell you the story. It all started when I refused to put my son down on the livingroom floor. The dirty-covered in cat hair and filth-livingroom floor. For whatever reason the fact that I would not let him play on the floor upset her so much that she began to get snippy, saying that I never put my son down to play, I always hold him. This was simply not true, which I told her, and then tried to explain my dilema about the dirty floor. She would have none of it. And proceeded to tell me that if I could not live in her house as she wanted me to that I could leave. Knowing my mother I assumed that after she stormed upstairs and considered what she had told me that she would change my mind, but she didn't. In fact, as I was sitting in the loft, playing with Jude ON THE FLOOR she asked why we were still in her house and told me that I needed to call my father and let him know that we were moving in. You know the rest of the story. We packed. She cried. We stayed. The rest, as they say, is history.

I'm trying to lose weight again. Somewhere along the line I lost sight of my personal weight goal, and then surgery and my families diet got in the way of my plan. I faltered and gained back the 13lbs that I had lost, much to my dismay. So, after an over two month absense, I have started playing Wii Fit again. And thanks to my new low-fat diet restrictions, the entire house has to eat what I eat (especially because I cook ALL of the meals). I'm hoping that this will jump-start my weight loss, and when it's nice and warm I'll start taking walks with Jude--maybe we'll even go on some runs!

In January I lost my grandfather, tragically and traumatically. He had been battling a rare form of cancer for five year, and with cancer there are often surgeries to remove tumors, etc. He went in for a surgery to remove a mass that was blocking his intestines and the surgery went well. Unfortunately, while he was recovering he was neglected by the doctors and nursing staff and got an staff infection which then turned to necrotiizing fasciitis, a flesh eating disease that a very low percent of HEALTHY people survive, let alone compromised people. So, he was taken for surgery again (the doctors claimed it was exploratory bowel surgery, which was untrue) and peeled off layers of skin and removed organs that could be used as evidence against them when my grandfather died (this was the night before he passed and they were aware of the fact that they were in deep shit.) The following day we were on our way to the hospital to say our goodbyes when my grandmother called and said the two most tear-jerking words I have ever heard in my entire life: "He died." My dumbstruck mother could only stammer her reply: "what?" to which my grandmother repeated those terrible words. Perhaps it's wrong, morbid, macabre--whatever you want to call it--but we still went to the hospital that day. And we stayed in the hospital room with my grandfather saying goodbye for four hours. We held is hands, we touched his face, and it was oddly very peaceful. We held a wake a week or so later and my grandfather looked completely different. I was glad that I had been able to say goodbye to him after he had died because I didn't feel like the body laying in the casket was my grandfather. How could it have been? It was a bloated, wax-looking version of him to me, and the funeral home hadn't even put makeup on him that matched his skin color. After that was a funeral, our last chance to say goodbye to the shell of the greatest man I had ever known, and then we had the inurnment. Each of the female family members in attendance kissed the bronze case that held my grandfather's ashes, leaving stains from our lipglosses and lipsticks. I feel kind of...happy? knowing that his is behind that cement wall covered in kisses, because that's how he would have wanted it.

Anyways, enough of all that depressing gunk. The blog has been updated. Hopefully it won't be so long next time.

Jude's swallow study didn't go well, but the results were good. What happened was that they tried to lay him down on his back and have him drink a barium solution. Well, about as soon as it was in his mouth he started to scream and he refused to swallow it. I don't know how long they tried to hold him down and get him to eat it like that because I was trying so hard not to cry and comfort him. It was long enough that he was hard to console and the barium was all over his little face. We brought some of our own bottles and nipples just in case he rejected theirs and they tried that, but it didn't work. Eventually I just had to pick him up and feed him myself. After a few minutes he started to guzzle it down, but it was hard to get him relaxed enough to even notice the bottle. Poor kid started screaming again the second they laid him back on the x-ray table and held him down. If there's anything that Jude doesn't like it's when his movement is restricted.
As for the results, everything looks fine. He does have reflux, but it's not bad enough to need surgery. We're going to start a new medicine.

I had my braces tightened for the first time since I had them put on eight months ago. My mouth is absolutely screaming pain. I can't eat anything that I have to chew so you can imagine I'm eating really, really well. That was sarcasm. Derek has been really nice about it though. He just made me some mushroom rice, and he cooked the chicken I was supposed to cook last night because I was in too much pain to eat and didn't want to waste my time making the recipe I had picked. I really am lucky to have such a nice fiance.

Derek mentioned something to me, I don't know if I should be concerned or assume that it's just a normal thing because he's under so much stress. He has an appointment for a physical on the 25th, I think I'll just ask him to bring it up. I'm sure it's nothing. Or, I hope it's nothing. It's probably nothing.

I'm still bleeding a good amount from my IUD. I hope it doesn't make me anemic. Anemia is no fun. I hated it. Iron pills absolutely suck.

I've been trying pretty desperately to get back on a regular sleep schedule but it just isn't working and I'm really upset. I'm up all night and I nap a little during the day and somehow I still can't sleep at night. The other day I was up until ten PM, slept until two AM and then I couldn't get back to sleep. This after staying up all day was very frustrating. I don't know what to do. I can't take anything to sleep through the night because I have to pump at least every three or four hours and I really, really need to get back on track. I don't know. I'm irritated.

Ugh, the last two days I've had some issues with clogged milk ducts. Always the same one and it takes a while to get them unclogged. I'm not even sure they are completely unclogged because right around pump time they get hard and painful. I've been applying hot washcloths and the heating pad but I don't think there's been a lot of improvement. If it keeps up I'm going to have to see a doctor and I'm just not up for it right now. Maybe never.

Okay, call me selfish, but I just don't think there's anything worse than almost amazing sex. In fact, I think no sex is better than almost amazing sex and I'm willing to bet that I'll stand by that belief until I die. The last few times Derek and I have had sex I get right on the edge of an orgasm and then for whatever reason we have to stop. Like the baby needs to eat or somehow Derek hurts himself. I probably shouldn't be upset about this, but I really am. He gets to have his damned orgasms and I get left with a great view of all the pleasure I could be having, but don't get. I sound like a selfish bitch. You would too if you'd only had one orgasm in more than three months, I gaurantee it.

I've been having a really hard time with this whole mommy thing. It's just . . . I dunno. I love Jude with all my heart but I also kind of resent him. Well, not him, but our situation. I can't return to the school I like because I have a son with medical issues that leave me wanting to keep him home and out of daycare. I never have time to see friends, let alone get out of the house as often as I'd like to. He isn't breastfeeding so I have to pump every three hourse, which really cuts into my overall family time. His reflux is just getting worse and worse and that upsets me because I can't fix it. I finally realized that the depression I'd slipped into before Jude was born was me not wanting a baby any more. It's hard to stay excited when you're in and out of the hospital in excuciating pain and worried that you're going to have a stroke. I guess those feelings kind of transferred over to parenting because I don't really spend as much time with Jude as I should. I finally told Derek about it though and he says it's okay to be upset and he understands why I feel that way. Nothing about this baby has been easy and it turned me off to the whole idea. Still, I catch mayself watching Jude and smiling like my mother used to smile at me when she told me she loved me and I know I love Jude more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life. I constantly think about what kind of person he's going to be like and how we're going to take him to the park and when he'll take his first steps. I'm always waiting to see what he'll do next to impress me and make me love him more. Lately, I've been trying to play with him and feed him as much as possible. I'm getting better and feeling better about being a parent. :] I can make Jude stop crying when Derek can't and that makes me feel all the more better.

Later today Jude has his swallow study and I'm not going to lie, I'm a little scared. I don't want to find out that his reflux is really bad. We've tried so many medicines, I really just want him to get better and grow out of this but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen soon. Such is life, I suppose.

For the first time since April I actually got to hang out with people my own age. I didn't realize how desperately people-sick I was until after they were gone and I felt miserable and lonely. Here I thought I was doing okay and I wouldn't mind being a little isolated and now I'm suffering from . . . what . . . withdrawals? It was good to see Kristin again and interesting to spend time with Nick, they really seem to be quite enamoured with eachother and that makes me confident that they'll be good parents. It's odd but I have this weird surety that they're going to have a son. Maybe, maybe not, only time will tell.

More and more often I find myself saying "I miss Katrina" and it's getting to be that I say it for absolutely no reason at all. I guess it's just another sign of how people-sick I am. Or maybe I'm realizing that if I don't attend WSHS I won't get to see her as often. Really, I'm scared that our friendship won't survive the small distance, and it hurts to think that because she is absolutely the best friend I've ever had. Time to make more of an effort to see her if I don't want to lose her-and I really, really don't want to lose her.

Oh, yeah! I went in yesterday to have my IUD checked and it's nice and in place. The strings were trimmed up so that I could feel them with my fingers but now without. To be more blunt, the strings aren't stabbing my no-no places. The doctor explained how the IUD works and why it's able to cause you to have shorter lighter periods. I was a little worried that it affected fertility, but luckily it doesn't.

Today I have to withdraw from WSHS, I'm a little depressed and at some point I'll probably cry. It's hard to give up something you love, even though you know you have no other choice, even though it's for your child. Maybe we'll move back into Aurora and I can go back at some point. It's really best not to think about it, I guess.

It feels a little bit like very time we get over one problem another one surfaces and we're right back at square one with Jude. I'm having a hard time coping with his reflux and how bad it seems to be getting, not better. Now, despite the three or four different meds he's tried, the reflux seems to be geniunely hurting him. When he refluxes his whole body tenses up and if he spits-up he starts to cry or sometimes even scream. I hate seeing my baby in pain.
We've demanded a swallow study from our pediatrician because if he's burning his through it's possible that he's gathering bacteria with the cross-over of milk into his lungs. The last thing I want to happen is for Jude to have compromised lungs with winter approaching so swiftly.

Things haven't exactly been going smoothly with my IUD, either, and I just got it. The first night I had it I felt for the strings (which are really more like thin wires) and they were so far up and close to my cervix that I could barely feel them with the tip of my middle finger. The following night I felt like I was being stabbed much lower down and when I felt for the strings they were only an inch and a half or so away. I don't know if the IUD is slipping out of my uterus or if the strings just unfurled or something and need to be trimmed. I guess I'll find out on Tuesday. If it is coming out I'm not going to try to get another one. It isn't worth the discomfort if my body is just going to expell it.

I changed my tongue ring for the first time today, that was interesting. Getting the new bar in was easier than I thought but trying to screw the ball on was ridiculously hard. Eh, practice will always make perfect. Or at least better.

Today, at the mall (or I guess yesterday, it IS one in the morning) I ran into an ex-friend. I played friendly and we talked for a few moments but it was pretty awkward. I realized that different people always have different views on a situation. She thinks her boyfriend broke up with her because she got her G.E.D., which is partly true, but he broke up with her because she broke an agreement they had by dropping out and moving out of the house where she was staying while he was at bootcamp. She also stole things from the people that had been letting her live with them rent free. I would have broken up wit her too. Still, she told me the Petco she's working at is hiring and really needs people to work. I'll probably apply. Hopefully I'll have a better chance at getting the job if I know an employee, probably not though.

I finally watched Mamma Mia and was rather unimpressed. Most of the actors/actresses had very little vocal talent. Probably better on stage, I'll have to see for myself.

So, I'm really disappointed with the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novels. They were absolutely fantastic for a while but somewhere since the seventh or eighth book they turned into soft-core porn novels. Great, if that's what you're interested in reading, but I didn't get into the series because I wanted to read about sex. I don't know how, but the author also managed to make the character into a Mary-Sue as the series went on, I'm almost completely sure that she didn't start out that way. As it stands, I'm two books away from what I hope is the end of the series (17 books in) so I can't just stop reading, I want to know how it ends. Stupid, I know, but I'm not a non-commital person.

Special K cereal is actually pretty delicious, at least the flavor I tried (cinnamon pecan). I bought about seven different flavors so I eat breakfast more often and to help me lose some of this baby weight. I've lost twenty pounds since Jude was born, but it was all water weight so it doesn't count. I also bought some sweat-shorts to work out in. I'm taking steps to make a healthier, happier me. When I'm back down at least to my pre-pregnancy weight I'll feel a lot better about myself, but my goal is 120lbs and that's close to fifty pounds away. Only thirty to pre-pregnancy though. I want to have it off by Jude's first birthday, I think nine months is a reasonable goal. After all, it took that long to put it on.

Yesterday I had an IUD inserted at Planned Parenthood. In the early morning hours before my appointment I browsed the internet trying to find information on the placement itself and how women experienced it as well as what happened in the later days and weeks. Needless to say, I scared the absolute hell out of myself and did not want to have the damn thing placed. To make matters worse, I had the beginnings of a migraine and pretty severe cramping, it made me want less and less to go in.
I didn't really have much of a choice though, my mother was adament about me getting the birth control and I knew that if we didn't go in she would be huffy and pissy all day. I have an eleven week old son, I don't need to deal with a forty year old baby, too.
In the waiting room of Planned Parenthood my heart was absolutely racing, my throat was tight and I felt as though I would throw up the second I tried to get up, let alone drink the gatorade I had brought to tide me over until we could get something to eat. When I was finally called back (more than fifteen minutes late) I could barely answer questions because my voice was so shaky and when I had to strip down and get on the table I thought I was going to faint. The adrenaline rush only got worse when the doctor came in and got everything ready to go. She answered all my questions and then we began the insertion procedure.
I experienced about forty over-all seconds of severe cramping when she inserted the sound (to measure the length of my uterus) and when she inserted the IUD. As soon as she removed all of the objects I was perfectly fine, no cramping at all, although I was pretty dizzy for a few minutes, probably the adrenaline. Since then I've had some heavier bleeding then I was having before and some more painful cramps but it's worth ot for five years of not having to worry about getting pregnant again. I don't need another little raggamuffin.

During all this, Derek was home with the baby so my mom and I decided to go get some shopping done (I only had ONE pair of underwear). We got our necessities and then hit the mall where I got some inconspicious, plastic tongue bars and we split some Chinese food. The Chinese was just short of not being very good at all. When we finally got home (about four hours after initially leaving) we returned home to find the baby asleep on Derek's chest and that we had somehow managed to lose the tongue bars (not a huge loss, they only cost $4 at Hot Topic, YAY SALES!).

Jude was exceptionally fussy yesterday, I'm pretty sure it's because he's cutting his very first teeth (in the back, of all places. I don't think that's normal). He cried a lot, which is unusual for him and the only way he would stop was if we took him outside to look at the trees and constantly bounced him. I'm a little worried that he'll be like that today, I have a migraine and just don't know how useful I'm going to be with a screamig baby. D: We had to schedule yet another appointment for Jude's reflux, despite his being on medicine for it and getting rice cereal in his bottles he's still spitting up and it seems like it's beginning to hurt his throat now. I've heard pretty terrible things about swallow studies for infants, but I guess if that's what it comes down to then we'll do whatever it takes to make sure Jude is okay. I don't want bacteria to grow in his lungs and compromise his system come winter. The last thing I need is for my baby to get seriously ill.

I've applied for a couple of jobs in hope that I'll have a way to socialize while I do online classes. Considering that Jude has come to associate Derek with being the caregiver and me as the play-person it should work out pretty well. I've applied for places close by, most of which I can get to on foot, if not by bus. If I get lucky one of these places will hire me, but I am a 16 year old mom with no previous work experience, it could take a little while or be a little hard. Oh well, I've got plenty of time and I love spending it with my family anyways.

It's kind of stupid but I can't wait until I can have another baby and watch him/her grow the way Jude is growing. I miss having a needy, little-bitty newborn to cuddle and whatnot, but I'm also pretty glad that Jude is a little more dependant and it's easier to figure out what he needs. I'm still very glad that I got the IUD and I'm especially glad that we can wait to plan more for our family. It's very important to me that I get my career underway before we have another baby.

Anyways, more late today!

Sarah Wears Pants